I Would Play __________ If I Were In a Band

While prancing around DC two weekends ago I decided if I were ever in a band I would be the keyboard/keytar player. I got two very strange looks when I declared that. Not because they thought me being a keyboard/keytar player was absurd but because we were talking about muffins. IDK... my mind wanders off topic a lot.

It was immediately assumed I would be the keyboard/keytar player because I played piano for 7 years. Wrong. Especially since I can barely play chopsticks now, you’re welcome Mom and Dad. It was my pleasure wasting your money. I tried telling you I didn't want to play the piano when I had all those forts to build. You just didn't listen. I blame you for not having a "talent." I could have been the best fort builder in the country!

I'd be the keyboard/keytar player because it's the only instrument I could actually see myself playing. I mean I'm pretty weird but not weird enough to be the drummer. Although I'm pretty awesome at the air drums. Bass players are lame which I am not. Clearly. I enjoy being the center of attention so I could totally be the lead singer but I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to handle all the whores and/or wear spandex pants. And as far as lead guitar, it involves too much work. Like you have to actually know what you are doing. So the only instrument left that is still awesome is the keyboards/keytar.

Yes, the keyboard/keytar (I'm abbreviating that now, k/k, ok?) has been mocked through out history but I will turn it into an instrument people across the lands will beg to play. I will make the k/k cool again. I mean personally I don't know what's cooler than wearing a piano around your neck. Maybe only a real live unicorn but even that's a stretch.

I understand the k/k is very "80's." Newsflash the 80's are back. I totally just wore my leg warmers to the office the other day. I got a lot of great compliments. Such as, "neat socks!" "you're such a trend setter" "why are you wearing those ugly fucking socks?" No problem people I'm here to help. Just one tip, perms are not in. End tip.

I'm pretty sure I'd have a red k/k. Mainly because I've only seen white, black and red. And clearly red is the best choice. Along with its sleek look my k/k would give me total freedom to move about the stage and practice my sweet dance moves. Just the other day my great Aunt complimented on how graceful my dancing was at my Aunts wedding. I'm not sure what about GETTING DOWN to Justin Timberlake is graceful but I'll take it. Another tip (full of them today) bring tennis shoes to weddings if you decide to take on the role of "party starter" and/or "embarrassing yourself in front of your whole family." It helps to minimize falling when you've had 10 Jack Daniel's & Ginger Ale's.

Following the total 80'sness I would have to wear a headband at all times. I feel like that's a requirement for quality k/k playing. I'm ok with that though. Headbands are cool in my book. I wore one on my birthday last year. You know the one that's on MAY 20th. Like this Tuesday. I think a keytar might be the perfect gift to start this dream...

THIS TIME LAST YEAR: ...while visions of buffalo chicken danced in my head.

SONG OF THE DAY: Woodhands - Dancer (THE SINGER PLAYS A MEAN KEYTAR!)